Your bed

Even if you’ve been a terrible person, even if you push away the people you need the most, whether you’re lazy enough to be a waste of air or you’re just a liar who can’t keep commitments and promises, even if it’s all of the above, your bed well take you in, your blanket will wrap you and together they’ll hold you until your mind stops beating itself up and sleep finally comes to carry you forward to a day where nothing’s new except for the hope that you can slowly make things better again.

This is assuming that you’re at a place in life where you have a bed and blanket to go back to at night of course.

Time and its measurements / An argument against thinking ahead

You live most of your lives like you will live forever. You will spend today knowing that you are not going to die tomorrow, or this week, or this year, or before 2020. There are, of course, exceptions to this but I’m reasonably confident that they aren’t reading this blog post. Most of you are not in denial about death, but you’d still prefer to think about it as an event in the distant future that you do not need to concern yourself with now, or anytime soon.

When was the last time you felt truly proud of yourself? When was the last time you experienced exaltation or absolute contentment? When was the last time that you felt happiness in such abundance that you couldn’t contain it? How long did it last? When was the last time you felt an overbearing need to act on something? Did you? When was the last time you were struck to your very core by the anxiety of losing something you loved? When was the last time disappointment sank all the way down to your gut?

I sit here in front of you with my folded electricity bill covering the top right corner of my laptop screen. Why? Because I was reading a book and I wanted to keep myself from knowing what time it is so that I don’t feel sleepy and I could read it for longer. The experiment seems to have worked well because although I don’t know exactly what time it is now I know that it’s somewhere in the vicinity of 4am and that’s longer that I would have read if I’d been reminded of the time all throughout. Not to mention that I would also not be writing this blog post.

If you didn’t know what what time it was or what time you had to wake up in the morning then would you still sleep rather than continuing whatever you’re enjoying doing so much? If you didn’t know what the name of the next day of the week was or how many days it was till your birthday then would you still put yourself through the gruelling routine of today? Maybe if we didn’t use these measurements of time to reason things out we’d do things differently. And yes, not being able to quantify time would lead us to more irrational decisions, but our decisions can only be as rational as the assumptions of our objectives and morality that they’re based on.

I want to try for an unknown interval of time, to not count time and see how that works out. And I want to ask you, are we living or are we dying?

Day 143: I can’t breathe (The return of the Separation Anxiety)

I can’t breathe because I have too much to do. I can’t sleep ‘coz the world won’t wait. Okay, that last line is from an Oasis song, but I really can’t sleep. I have only 2 days left and I have to fit half a room full of stuff into two bags and then sleep enough to not fall sick and then go to office and then go to dinner at my friends place in fucking queens and then do some last minute shopping and then sleep again and then go to office again and then get drunk again and say a decent goodbye to this city and wake up in time to catch my flight the next day. You see, I’m going to mess something up. I’m going to forget something. It’s inevitable. I just had a glass of brandy with warm water to put me t sleep. Luckily that always does the trick.

Good night.


I haven’t been here for a while. The main reason is that I’ve been trying to make songs. And I don’t feel like writing blog entries after writing songs. It’s all about expressing creativity, if you ask me. My primary motivation for ever posting anything here is to express creativity. When this creativity has other outlets I no longer need to post here anymore. But I’m here now, just to let this blog know that it’s not forgotten about.

About the songs that I’ve written, I could post the lyrics here but I’d rather post the songs themselves once I have a good recording of them along with the lyrics so you’ll just have to wait. About the rest of my life of late, I’m tired. I have hardly ever slept over 8 hours a night and this is a good thing. It’s just that I’m tired. It isn’t easy to try to do everything you want to do along with a full time job. But its torture to not do everything I want. The story of my life is desperately lacking some romance at the moment, but that it has been for a very long time. At least there’s enough of everything else going around. There are times when I feel that if my life was a book, the reader would definitely have stopped reading by this point. This is not one of those. What I really want to do is write something. A short story, a fictional blog, anything more that a song and a blog post like this one. Unfortunately, the only thing my mind is willing to do at the moment is sleep

But I will write something soon, and you’ll be the first to know. Until then, good night.


Time is relative.
The length of a fraction of a second is proportional to the amount of adrenaline in your veins.
The length of a second depends on how little there is to do in it.
The length of a few minutes depends on how far away my current state of mind is from what it was to begin with.

I can’t think of how it works for larger intervals of time.
A week ago feels like yesterday.
Two months ago still feels like last year.
and this morning feels like four days ago.
Tomorrow, it all rearranges.

I miss my computer. The one in front of me right now is half a decade old and can’t react fast enough to my typing.
I feel just the same, life should type slower.
I want to go to sleep, but everything feels incomplete.
I know there’s a thousand things i need to do right now, but i can’t remember what they are.
I was also sure i had much better things to write.
maybe i should just go to sleep.

Left Ear

An attempt at recollecting my thoughts while falling alseep, a few nights ago:

The usual cross-fading between reality and something else …. with my eyes closed, an image begins to form out of a blur ………. more images …. they begin to blend into each other … audio kicks in ……. a sound ………beginning to gather detail only as i pay attention to it …… it sounds like words ……. words i dont understand ……… like a soft whisper, but loud, like it was right next to my left ear ……… no meaning ……….. I’m not asleep yet …… suddenly a more conscious thought forces its way in …. like ones that exist only when you’re awake…. “was it real?
……the whisper …. “was it real?”
I open my eyes and look left …….. a dark empty room ………. my heart going faster than normal ……… close my eyes again …. that’s something i wanna remember …. something i want to write about later ….. but wait …. if I fall asleep now I wont remember it…… I pick up a pencil and scribble in the dark on an already cluttered piece of paper lying on the table near by: “left ear” ….. yeah ………… that should make sure I remember it tomorrow morning …………..
and I closed my eyes again ………maybe the whisper resumed, maybe the words made sense …….. I dont know, I fell asleep.