Author: Rahul

Posted on in The Life And Times

Flood

“A nice form of pseudo-solitude is a walk in really heavy rain.
When you cant see more that a few meters ahead, theres too much water
in the way. And no one can hear a sound you make, the rain is much louder.
It surrounds you like a semi transparent wall seperating you from
everyone else, following you wherever you go. That’s exactly what I
was thinking on the 26th of july, while staring out of a car window,
on the way to college. I also wondered for a brief moment, at a signal,
how so much water can fall from the sky without filling the world.
(yes the thought was as childish as it sounds). Nevertheless, God
loves to prove me right.”
– written on the 26th of August 2005 in a mail.

As I was half way through writing that mail, I went back to my inbox and lost all that I’d written so far. I wrote the mail again. Ironically, my first post was also from that mail.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Biographies

Currently Reading
Surely You’re Joking, Mr.Feynman! : Adventures of a Curious Character
By Richard P. Feynman, Ralph Leighton

Life’s short.

Not short enough for you to get in perspective how short it is, but short enough for that to bother you.
Not quite short enough for you to worry about wasting it thinking about how short it is, and short enough for you to worry about forgetting that.

If we were immortal, we’d mostly kill ourselves before doing as much with it.

Reading about someone else’s life has a certain way of making me feel.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Talking to myself

hello.

hey, it’s been a while.

yeah, where’ve you been?

around.. but I guess I’m back now.

how come?

I don’t know, you got me here.

yeah, I guess.

….

I hate myself.

me?

all of you.

well, that’s just you.

I know.

is there anything I know that you don’t?

I don’t think so.

then I know you know, you don’t have to say so.

fine.

. …

I missed you.

I thought you hated me.

yeah, but that’s just me.

so, now, why all this hatred?

dissatisfaction, I guess.

why’d you pick me to talk to about it?

its one of the things you’re there for.

cool.

 

free will sucks.

yeah?

I was hoping for you to elaborate on that, it’s more your thing.

sure .. well, it isn’t really imaginable living without it.

…

and always doing the smart thing, or the right thing kinda limits your free will anyway.

now you’re getting somewhere.

I’m not really sure what I meant by that.

me neither.

that goes without saying.

why?

the whole you knowing what I know thing, remember?

yeah…

in any case, if you don’t want free will, I could always tell you what to do.

no you cant.

and why not?

because you can’t decide what to do, that’s up to me, and you cant really tell me anything because you’re limited to what you do.

hmm.., never really thought of it that way.

thank you.

 

so anyway, as I was saying, free will doesn’t really suck, and it’s gonna be there whether you chose to believe that it’s real, or an illusion.

….

you can believe it doesn’t exist you know. that makes it as good as it not being there.

not really. it doesn’t make a difference to me.

hmm, you got a point. but it would make a difference to other people.

let’s talk about me, alright?

fine.

so, go on.

you misuse it.

free will?

yes.

that doesn’t even make sense.

you overuse it. you should just do a few things blindly without thinking so much. stick to decisions already made.

okay, that kinda makes sense.

in other words, limit your free will .. since you hate it so much. everyone thinks they know what to do, they think they know what you should do, you know what they think you should do, jeez, you even think you know what you should do. that is, until you start doing it. why don’t you just do it?

….see, this is why I make you do this job.

I’m not done.

go on, then.

you may agree with me now, but tomorrow you’re gonna forget all about it, because you can’t stick to a decision, as I just said.

I always thought not being able to stick to a decision was better than sticking stubbornly to one.

you can overdo both. and stop digressing.

fine, you talk.

its not like I’m asking you to shut up, but let’s get this over with.

alright, alright, go on.

so, what are you gonna do to make sure you don’t change your mind tomorrow?

I am not gonna change my mind tomorrow.

that’s the best you can do?

you got a better idea?

guess not.

good.

..

I’m really sleepy.

fine, goodnight.

…

I’ll be .. around.

nice to know.

..

goodnight.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Tagged

I’ve been tagged !! woohooo !!

To begin with: 6 random/weird facts about myself :-

1 – I sometimes voluntarily roll off my bed in the morning to wake myself up. It’s the most effective way of waking up when I’m half asleep and I know that if I lie down for a minute more I’d be completely asleep and I know I would rather be awake. Sitting up is to hard, unless I really have a reason to wake up in the morning, which I rarely do anymore. Falling on the cold hard floor always wakes me up.

2 – I used to try to take the same number of left and right turns. It’s not as hard as it may sound, you just have to keep count and not let the total be than a few full revolutions in either direction.
Why?, because otherwise it’s not fair to the other side.
This is why i would hate marching practise, apart from it’s sheer pointlessness. An about turn is always on the left (I think) and hence, by the end of it, there’s always a lot more left turns than right turns.

3 – I once threw a book at a teacher in junior kindergarden. If i remember correctly, she promised to finish off after completing some chapter, or paragraph, or something of the sort, but just kept going even after she was done with it. That’s when she got hit by a notebook. I also remember that i was sitting on the 2nd bench from the front and maybe the 2nd or 3rd from the right. The door was on the front left. Don’t ask me why that’s important.

4 – The pair of jeans I’m wearing hasn’t been washed since sometime in september, before i-rock XX. I should say that I’ve worn them less than 12 times since, before you make any assumptions.

5 – I believe I could survive a fall at terminal velocity, onto a car or something.

6 – I can type a lot faster than I can write.

Now I’m supposed to tag 6 people. I wouldn’t know who to tag because everyone has apparently already been tagged. I will find people to tag, and tag them later. … I swear I will.

In any case, the rules are :-

1) Start with six random/weird facts about yourself

2) Tag six people who now have to write six random facts about themselves, as well as clearly posting these rules.

3) Make sure to post the names of six people at the end of the post

4) Leave the six tagged people a comment on their website telling them that they are tagged, and to go to your website for the rules/information.

Posted on in The Life And Times

New year’s day

Somebody tell me why I’m happy.
Let me try.
I haven’t slept enough to get anything in perspective.
I’ve had enough coffee to not feel sleepy.
VH1 is playing big rockers in 05, and everything in my head is singing along.
I had fun, more than I have in a while, and I did nothing special.
I did things my way, and it worked out perfect.
I saw everything I’ve done and everything I’ve become, and it’s just the way it should be.
Did I mention that vh1 still hasnt played a single song I dont love?
and every song takes me back to somewhere in the past year.
Everyone else is happy, or pretending to be, at least.

But this isn’t a new beginning.
This isn’t the end of anything.
This is just a moment to look at things, again. … as if they were the way they were meant to be.
and the world still looks different.
When one hour of sleep and two cups of coffee makes me as happy as I’ve ever been.
With a little contribution from the fact that they’re now playing Green Day – Holiday.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Nostalgia

There’s so much I want to do over again.
and not because I’d do it any differently.
I hate not being able to define what I miss so much.

Nostalgia comes with the vivid recollection of things already faded away.
Memories shrink away in the distance.
Everything in between, being much more than vacuum, distorts them.
And we keep getting pulled further away.
I forgot who I used to be. Now he waves at me from the distance.
I knew where I was going, but I don’t know where that got me.
And even not knowing where I’m going doesn’t slow me down.
I can wait for him, but he can’t come.

He had such a nice cozy home.
That he left, it was time to see the outside.
Colourful, yet bland. Cold, and beautiful in its own way.
It was everything else.

That home isn’t the same way I had left it.
All things fade, but leave their residue.
Never the same, but always there.
And I carry so little with me.
But I don’t need that home.
I don’t need those things to be just the way they were.
And I don’t need perfect memories.
I don’t even need to know where I’m going.
I just need to look into your eyes, and see that you still remember who we used to be,
when we were just a few thousand miles further from infinity.
And know that we will always carry our pieces of it, so that nothing is ever lost.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Pointless

I thought we all needed a goal, an objective, something to keep moving toward.
Nothing can ever be perfectly perfect.
We look deeper, until we find an imperfection, something to fix.
and after it’s fixed, there’s always more.
It seems brilliant.
to always keep us going, and always give us the satisfaction of achieving something.
But it’s built on it’s own imperfection.
It’s unlikely that we’ll give up, even on seeing it’s pointlessness.
But every once in a while, we hit something that cant be fixed, at least without making everything else worse.
Ingrained with persistence, we can’t let it go.
So we finally stop, and wonder…
I know I’ll get on with it again, but i wonder if i really want to.
Because i just want to stop and stare, at the blur.

It’s all just a phase.
It was just a phase to try so hard to fit in, to mould myself to fit in.
It’s just a phase to want to stand out now, to make myself as different as possible.
It was just a phase to be not care about what’s to come.
and it’s just a phase to wonder what’s gone past.
It’s just a phase to try to make sense of it all,
and it’s just another phase to give up, and find as much confusion as possible.

It’s all just a way to avoid the same old …
It’s all just a way to try to grow.
It’s all just a way to confirm your freedom.
It’s all just a way to keep occupied.

“what did I just say?”

Posted on in The Life And Times

Feeling good about nothing

I can make myself feel good about nothing.
I hate making myself feel good about nothing.
It’s gonna hurt when I find out that I really have nothing to be feeling good about.
But im gonna be feeling good until then. And i’m going to do it anyway.
Do I really have that little foresight?
So, overall, I accomplished nothing, and I know that.
But I still think I achieved something, and I’m feeling good about that.
But I know I’ve done nothing, except make myself feel good.
But that’s obviously a good enough reason to do something.
Then why do I have to feel bad about it later?
Because, obviously, I have other things that I should be doing.
But they wouldn’t make me feel as good.
Then why do them?
Maybe I can make myself feel good about just being able to make myself feel good.
No, I hate making myself feel good about nothing.
But now, I’m doing it anyway.
I hate this.
Hey, now I dont feel that good anymore. wow.
Dammit, now I can even make myself feel good about not feeling good.
It’s like someone messed with my head to make sure i can’t feel not good.
Fix it! I don’t want to feel good!!

I hate exams.
I hate studying for exams.
I hate people who study for exams. If nobody studied that much, then we could all study less and be happy about it.
It’s not like I’m not happy anyway, as all of the above makes obvious.
But then maybe I could just be a lot happier about being happy.
Someone should make rules for the maximum amount that people can study. And kill people who dont follow them.
“Why?”
“Because that’s cheating, and you just deserve to die.”

Posted on in The Life And Times

TIme

Time is relative.
The length of a fraction of a second is proportional to the amount of adrenaline in your veins.
The length of a second depends on how little there is to do in it.
The length of a few minutes depends on how far away my current state of mind is from what it was to begin with.

I can’t think of how it works for larger intervals of time.
A week ago feels like yesterday.
Two months ago still feels like last year.
and this morning feels like four days ago.
Tomorrow, it all rearranges.

I miss my computer. The one in front of me right now is half a decade old and can’t react fast enough to my typing.
I feel just the same, life should type slower.
I want to go to sleep, but everything feels incomplete.
I know there’s a thousand things i need to do right now, but i can’t remember what they are.
I was also sure i had much better things to write.
maybe i should just go to sleep.

Posted on in The Life And Times

Fleeting feelings

It rained again. probably for the last time.

To be deprived of the privilege to think too much can feel so nice.
To live in the moment, they always say you should.
To sing on the street in pouring rain accompanied by sunshine.
To sing a song, when the words have no meaning.
and it can all look so beautiful.
The sun hides briefly behind a small white cloud, illuminating its outline.
To not try to look through the chaos makes it seem more than transparent.
To not try to search in it for meaning, symmetry, or conclusions.
When everything can either be totally fucking awesome, or worth nothing at all.
and everything is totally fucking awesome.
To live in the moment, lasts only for a moment.
Only an intermission
and all of it that’s captured by memory is meaningless.