Posted on November 26, 2009June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

A beginning

I will post here a lot more often. And i mean a LOT more often. That still may not say much, given that I currently write something here less than twice a year, so let me put it this way. I will post here at least once a week. Because I’ve found that small things like writing something every once in a while keep me happy, even if nobody ever reads these things. I will also do other cool things like tag my posts, make my blog look cooler, and such. This, dear Blog, is to show my commitment to you. I have also decided that this blog will not have a theme, it will be random as ever.

So this post marks a new beginning to this blog, and you, dear Reader (if you’re out there), can remind me from time to time that I need to post here more often.

That’s all for now because, unfortunately, I have to get to work.

Posted on May 2, 2009June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

The pursuit of happiness

How hard do we have to try to be happy?
Do we really feel the good only in contrast to the bad?

When the days ahead look like an uphill climb, they say you need to climb as hard as you can, and then convince yourself that you can climb harder. You need to torture yourself to get to the top. You need to feel the pain. The only explanation I can understand is that we only torture ourselves for how good it feels when the torture is over.

We’re taught since we’re little, that we can get anything at the cost of unwilling effort. Homework for freedom, chores for chocolates and marks and grades for anything else on your wishlist. It’s a way of preparing children for the world they’re going to grow up in. So they’ll accept it without too much suffering.

They still say you need to work hard to get what you want, but what does ‘work’ mean? what do I want?
I’ve hardly felt better than when I’ve spent all day and then stayed up all night doing something that I love. And I don’t recall ever getting something I want by doing what everyone understands to be ‘work’. Because whenever I thought of something as work, I never did it well enough. And yet, I have as much as anyone else. I like that I can contradict them by just existing.

Everything takes time and energy. It’s just that I seem to have an endless supply of energy with some activities, while others make me want to sleep 14 hours out of 24.

Sometimes I feel like it’s a battle between me, and the way the world is. And accepting the world to be the way it is takes the most out of me. More than the fighting. I once heard the line, “We need to pretend the world is the way it should be, to show people what it can be.” And it made sense. Because very often, what feels like the easiest thing to do is to just keep fighting. Without any real hope of winning, but just fighting to preserve my identity. Fighting to exist in a world that contradicts with me.

Getting back to the question, I think we need to torture ourselves once in a while. Everytime we start to forget what the pain feels like. Maybe just so we can see the happiness when it comes, or maybe just out of boredom and curiosity. To understand ourselves, and see what we’re capable of. And in the long run, it does make us happier.

Posted on April 12, 2009June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

12-Apr-2009

I am your lack of creativity.

I am everything that has filled the cavities in your mind created by years of education, daily routine and passive entertainment.

I am that bitter taste in your head that gets stronger as you grow older, telling you that something’s not right.

I am the time you spend at traffic signals, queues, elevators and crowded trains.

I scrub out the differences between everyone you see around you. I am the passivity of your actions.

I am the callousness and ignorance created by your wisdom.

I am the mediocrity of your efforts.

I am the rules that you live by and the barriers in your mind.

I am the satisfaction in your second hand experiences.

I am your fear and self doubt.

I am your lack of creativity.

And I am getting stronger.

Posted on March 30, 2008June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

Drive

One night, he had no idea what he was doing. He had no idea why he was doing it, what he should be doing, where he should be heading or who he is. Is he pretending or being true to himself? He had no idea how he looked in others’ eyes. He had no idea what he was going to do the next day. Whether he would wake up at 9, or sleep the entire day away. He had no idea what he wanted to do. Neither his instinct nor his inertia of routine had anything to say about it. He had absolutely no idea who he was. What he’d been so far could draw no conclusions toward that.

Now, he knew he was going to sleep though. He wasnt anxious, he was at peace. It wasn’t even that he didn’t need to know, it was beyond that. He was happy not knowing. He was glad. The lack of answers, all the questions gave him something. They gave him a reason and a drive that had been missing for a while. Curiously missing. They gave him a reason to want to be awake after he woke up the next day. Because he would have to go looking for the answers. He knew the answers wouldn’t come soon, and he knew it wouldn’t be a reason to celebrate when he finds them. He just knew that he had to look. More than he ever knew any of the things he had no idea about anymore.

He thought he realised something about himself. He thought he realised that he didn’t adapt to change quickly at all, something he always thought he did. He knew he didn’t want to realise anything. He could sleep now. It was time for it. Without looking forward, without anxiety, without a planned defense against forseen boredom. Tomorrow would be a whole new day. And so would the day after that. Not just hours ticking away, counting that which can’t be measured. A whole new day, the way a child would look at it. Like a book by an author he hadn’t read. Like a new gizmo to reverse engineer. Like anything that is whole, and not something forced to take its place.

He knew that tomorrow, he would be driving.

And when he opened his eyes the next day, he already knew it. He knew it before he looked at the scribble in black ball pen on his left wrist that was the one word: “drive”.

Posted on September 25, 2007June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

The consequence of inaction

Theres times when everything seems wrong. Not wrong particularly, but like your life is spiralling out of control. and you have no clarity on what you should be doing. Days go by like cars on a highway and every hour that passes makes it more certain that every constituent of your current life will fall apart.
I still don’t bother too much. I’m waiting for answers to fall from the sky. They don’t. only raindrops do. Clarity won’t come to greet me along with the sunlight the next morning. I’m not afraid of it all falling apart though, at least i know that much. On the other hand, fear might solve the problem. I never used to question things so much. The truth is, I need to get up and get going. The only burden i feel is of the consequence of inaction.

I hate knowing a day before it starts.

I’m done talking about me.
We’re all falling through time, eventually to hit the bottom. Doesn’t anyone feel helpless?
Take a deep breath. Exhale. There goes a part of you that you aren’t gonna see again.

Posted on September 20, 2006June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

20-Sep-2006

I can’t sleep, because there’s too much going through my mind. Again. Finally!
There are some things you just have to wait for. You can try writing every thought in your head, but it won’t work.
Thoughts are like tiny colourful wisps of light. You can try catching them in your butterfly net, but it won’t work. You just have to wait until they align themselves to form something worth photographing.
You could also say that your head is like that gigantonormous box with a gazillion watch parts (and new ones being thrown in all the time) being shaken around. You’ve gotta wait until you get a watch.
Putting it directly, I cant write when i want to, I can write when I have to.
If you ever want to, and don’t have to, I suggest you go explore something new.
Go look for answers to all your questions, and don’t worry, you’ll never run out. The answers will come tied to more questions. That’s if they aren’t questions themselves.
Go find out why things you think should work don’t. Go find everything imperfect and unideal and take your shot at fixing it.
The world’s big enough to entertain you for many lifetimes, and its right outside in front of your doorstep. Or outside your window.
Creativity’s born out of randomness, and a large portion of randomness is not knowing what you’re going to do, or why you’re doing it. And randomness cant be bred with a plan. So quickly finish off everything planned to leave room for that which isn’t.

Time isn’t like water running down the drain, or sand in your fist.
It’s like a new blank page, everyday, left for you to fill.

To finish off, I’d like to say that I’m back. Lost as ever.

Posted on July 26, 2006June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

Flood

“A nice form of pseudo-solitude is a walk in really heavy rain.
When you cant see more that a few meters ahead, theres too much water
in the way. And no one can hear a sound you make, the rain is much louder.
It surrounds you like a semi transparent wall seperating you from
everyone else, following you wherever you go. That’s exactly what I
was thinking on the 26th of july, while staring out of a car window,
on the way to college. I also wondered for a brief moment, at a signal,
how so much water can fall from the sky without filling the world.
(yes the thought was as childish as it sounds). Nevertheless, God
loves to prove me right.”
– written on the 26th of August 2005 in a mail.

As I was half way through writing that mail, I went back to my inbox and lost all that I’d written so far. I wrote the mail again. Ironically, my first post was also from that mail.

Posted on June 24, 2006June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

Biographies

Currently Reading
Surely You’re Joking, Mr.Feynman! : Adventures of a Curious Character
By Richard P. Feynman, Ralph Leighton

Life’s short.

Not short enough for you to get in perspective how short it is, but short enough for that to bother you.
Not quite short enough for you to worry about wasting it thinking about how short it is, and short enough for you to worry about forgetting that.

If we were immortal, we’d mostly kill ourselves before doing as much with it.

Reading about someone else’s life has a certain way of making me feel.

Posted on May 11, 2006June 11, 2012 in The Life And Times

Talking to myself

hello.

hey, it’s been a while.

yeah, where’ve you been?

around.. but I guess I’m back now.

how come?

I don’t know, you got me here.

yeah, I guess.

….

I hate myself.

me?

all of you.

well, that’s just you.

I know.

is there anything I know that you don’t?

I don’t think so.

then I know you know, you don’t have to say so.

fine.

. …

I missed you.

I thought you hated me.

yeah, but that’s just me.

so, now, why all this hatred?

dissatisfaction, I guess.

why’d you pick me to talk to about it?

its one of the things you’re there for.

cool.

free will sucks.

yeah?

I was hoping for you to elaborate on that, it’s more your thing.

sure .. well, it isn’t really imaginable living without it.

…

and always doing the smart thing, or the right thing kinda limits your free will anyway.

now you’re getting somewhere.

I’m not really sure what I meant by that.

me neither.

that goes without saying.

why?

the whole you knowing what I know thing, remember?

yeah…

in any case, if you don’t want free will, I could always tell you what to do.

no you cant.

and why not?

because you can’t decide what to do, that’s up to me, and you cant really tell me anything because you’re limited to what you do.

hmm.., never really thought of it that way.

thank you.

so anyway, as I was saying, free will doesn’t really suck, and it’s gonna be there whether you chose to believe that it’s real, or an illusion.

….

you can believe it doesn’t exist you know. that makes it as good as it not being there.

not really. it doesn’t make a difference to me.

hmm, you got a point. but it would make a difference to other people.

let’s talk about me, alright?

fine.

so, go on.

you misuse it.

free will?

yes.

that doesn’t even make sense.

you overuse it. you should just do a few things blindly without thinking so much. stick to decisions already made.

okay, that kinda makes sense.

in other words, limit your free will .. since you hate it so much. everyone thinks they know what to do, they think they know what you should do, you know what they think you should do, jeez, you even think you know what you should do. that is, until you start doing it. why don’t you just do it?

….see, this is why I make you do this job.

I’m not done.

go on, then.

you may agree with me now, but tomorrow you’re gonna forget all about it, because you can’t stick to a decision, as I just said.

I always thought not being able to stick to a decision was better than sticking stubbornly to one.

you can overdo both. and stop digressing.

fine, you talk.

its not like I’m asking you to shut up, but let’s get this over with.

alright, alright, go on.

so, what are you gonna do to make sure you don’t change your mind tomorrow?

I am not gonna change my mind tomorrow.

that’s the best you can do?

you got a better idea?

guess not.

good.

..

I’m really sleepy.

fine, goodnight.

…

I’ll be .. around.

nice to know.

..

goodnight.