Being mediocre

I’ve been working on Redwolf for two and a half years now. The thing about being one of three people running a company that’s slowly growing is that I need to manage too many different things. On good days I get an uninterrupted hour to work on something. On bad days its ten to fifteen minutes. What I’ve found is that I’m not good at switching between half a dozen things over the course of a day. I’m good at doing one thing for at least half a day, preferably four days at a stretch, and doing it well.

When doing too many things in a day, on good days I feel like I have got a lot of shit done and on bad days I feel like I’ve wasted a day. What’s missing is that I rarely feel like I’ve done something really well. And I’ve known that feeling. I used to be really good at solving computational puzzles and making algorithms for competitive games, and permutations and combinations, and writing good code. I’ve known that feeling and to not have it anymore is difficult to be happy living with.

I know that having started Redwolf and having got it till here is not mediocre; I meet enough people from time to time who think that what we’ve built is awesome. I know that it takes a lot of something even if I don’t know exactly what it is to continue doing what we do and keep doing more of it, but on most days I’m left feeling like the work I do is average, if not below average.

I’m tired of feeling mediocre. I’m done with it.

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